The Tenant
by Art Of Words
Summary: A moment where Jane's thoughts gets the better of him. Set towards the end of the Red John period.


The Tenant

A/N : I am very much aware that I need to update my would be multi-chapter, but I couldn't get this idea out of my head. So, I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer : I do not own The Mentalist, it's characters, or the poem The Tenant. They all belong to their respectable owners.

_Set towards the end of the Red John period._

Jane's POV

I haven't slept in days. My usually busy mind has been working tirelessly. In over drive. Sometimes even running in circles, just to feel as though it's actually doing something useful. These are the thoughts which are dangerous. The distracting ones. When my mind wonders to the future, instead of focusing all of my energy solely on the task at hand. But it is just so _easy_ to find comfort in these daydreams. I understand why my overly-worked mind seeks refuge there. It's far nicer than the dark places I've forced it to go. Especially lately. I can't remember ever being so exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. _But I need to keep going._

I lock the door of my motel room behind me. Lisbon had ordered me to _" A night slept in an actual bed"._ She'd been deadly serious about it. Cutting me off before I could even begin to start an argument. I smiled at the memory. My little Lisbon, hands in tiny fists ( not that I let it fool me, my nose had once been at the receiving end of one of those small hands),jaw set with determination. Eyes ablaze. So beautiful.

I shake the sudden onslaught of thoughts that flood my mind.

All, of her.

I can't get distracted. Not now. Not when we were so _close._

A thought which I can't shake , is one which had played through my mind for many years now. _What would happen … after he was gone?_

I loved Lisbon. I realized that it was pointless denying my affection for her quite some time ago.

It thrilled me.

And it absolutely terrified me.

The only other woman I had ever loved so completely, ended up at the mercy of a serial killer. Lisbon helped me survive that, get to where I am now. I know what would happen if anything ever happened to my Lisbon.

I wouldn't make it. Not this time.

I walk to the kettle and fill it with water before switching it on.

I feel restless, needing to do something. I open a drawer to find something to keep my mind at least mildly occupied. I see an old book of poetry. I sit on the bed and flip through it, looking for one I haven't read, or at least one which I hadn't in a while.

My eyes rest on an unfamiliar title _The Tenant._

I regret my choice of literature the second the first line sends a searing hot pain through my chest. Instead of distracting me from my thoughts, it seems as though it's only going to intensify them.

Being the masochist that I am, I continue reading.

_The Tenant_

_There is no room for you in my heart_

_The only tenant who ever lived there left some luggage behind_

_I didn't even evict her_

_She simply left without a word_

_I keep hoping she will come back and collect the luggage or at least arrange for disposal, clean out the place, throw out old memories_

_I could possibly live with the marks on the walls._

_Some are completely indelible._

_Some I even like._

_But you see I am afraid that if it all goes,_

_What will I do with all that empty space_

I hurl the book across the small room. When I go to retrieve it , hot, angry tears are running down my face.

I had fooled myself all those years, thinking that I was good enough for Angela.

I am not the man that Teresa deserves either.

I'm broken.

Scarred.

Damaged.

Oh, so damaged.

I am not, was never and never will be worthy of either Angela or Teresa's love.

The only difference between the space that Angela occupies in my heart and the space that Teresa does, is that I'm hanging on to Angela and her things with everything that I have.

While the love that I have for my best friend ,makes me want to keep her out.

Far away.

From me.

The damage which I could cause her.

The unrepairable hurt I could instill in _her_ heart.

I want to protect her from it.

_From me._

Oh Teresa, my love, what are we going to do?

You've taken up residence in my heart without my consent.

I want you _out._

But I also want you to take over it completely.

I want the warmth of your place in my heart to spread through to the rest of me, finally cracking this layer of cold ,pain and numbness.

But how I wish to protect you from what you will find beneath it.


End file.
